Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
