so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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