I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
