Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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