guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
