this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
