everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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