i barfeds in our rink
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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