So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
