We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
