Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
