she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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