I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
