so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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