not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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