I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
