Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
