I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
