my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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