I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
