did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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