Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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