so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
