I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
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Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
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As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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