I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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