Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
