Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I wish I only lived at night.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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