i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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