I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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