she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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