why didn't you poke me back
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
