this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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