my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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