I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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