I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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