that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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