Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
