Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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