Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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