I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
