Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
