dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
