Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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