Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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