also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
