Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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