We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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