i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
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Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
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she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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