i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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