The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
