And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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