Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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