Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Randomize
