The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
