I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
