i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
