im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
