Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
