Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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