I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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