when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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