Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
