Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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